Reflections and Wishes
by Sparky Army
Summary: Six regrets Elizabeth had. Sparky! [Or ShepWeir, if you prefer.]


**Theme: **Regrets Elizabeth had.  
**Pairing: **Sparky, of course!  
**Warnings: **Some character deaths, because we're evil people. Seriously, if you don't like major characters dying, run- now (or skip -oh- about the first three parts.)!!

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**Notes:**

**Hannah 554: **Yay, that's the first Sparky Army fic done! I feel like we should be celebrating somehow: Party on the internet... We need virtual streamers and buffet, lol. Hopefully this is the beginning of a long and wonderful trend of Sparky stories. Sparky forever!!!  
**Steph 7085:** The Sparky Army's first little ficlet -cheers loudly-. Mine's just a piece of silly fluffiness. I was actually going to write some angst but everyone else beat me to it -glares playfully- so I thought I would be different and write some aww-ness (sweet fluff). I hope it turned out that way, lol. I don't know if any of it makes sense but enjoy it anyway -grin-.  
**Andie O'Neill: **It's a group effort! I just decided to add my own little thing to it.

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Reflections and Wishes

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_i. shall i struggle in the dark for breath?_

_By Astrantia_

The water was pure, clean and untouched; she couldn't bear to taint it.

(It was stormy that night. She didn't know if the rain stopped while they were inside; the dining room shut out any noise.)

There was red staining her face. The faucet blasted out water that speckled her mirror, but she could still see it clearly.

(She didn't like the Mocenians. Their smiles were warm and their words were friendly, but their eyes always betrayed hostile feelings.)

She raised a shaking finger to the spots of blood, searching for a cut that would explain them. She found none, and figured they belonged to someone else. The thought made her sick, but the next- _maybe the blood was John's_- left her leaning over the toilet.

(The gun he pressed at her in the shelter of the trees weighed more heavily on her than it logically should have. She couldn't shake the dread that accompanied the placing of it in her hand, but he ordered her to take it and she couldn't refuse.)

Picking herself off the floor, she returned to the mirror. She gazed again at the blood.

(It was so dark, and they moved so quietly that it shouldn't have surprised her when they became separated. Her radio- all their communication devices- had been destroyed sometime during the initial, sudden attack by the Mocenians and the two following.)

It was her fault, she decided. It was her fault, and she _couldn't even cry_.

(Stray tree branches regularly scratched her arms. She kept touching the injuries tentatively- it was all she could do besides screaming in frustration at the stifling stillness. There was never any blood, though.)

There was someone banging at her door. It was Rodney's voice that called through, asking her to _please_ let him in. Some part of her wanted to hear the news that he no doubt brought, but everything else refused, for fear that it would be that John was dead.

(Someone was up ahead. She could sense them cautiously treading through the foliage. And then she fired; she couldn't even remember pulling the trigger, but she fired. She knew not long after that she'd made a horrible mistake, because the tortured exclamations from the fallen man came in John's voice.)

'Elizabeth? You need to open up this door, or I will.'

'Rodney- Rodney, is he…?'

(She was holding his wound, but he was bleeding so much, and- _oh, please, please, don't_- she didn't know what to do. The cool and always collected diplomat disappeared in the midst of John's pained groans.)

'Elizabeth, he's still in surgery. Please, just let me in.'

She headed for the door, letting it slide open just as a voice sounded over Rodney's earpiece.

(Teyla and two of Lorne's men stumbled across them three minutes later. Everything after that was a haze, because all she could think about was John.)

'What is it?' she asked, almost inaudibly.

There was no change in Rodney's countenance.

(She shouldn't have pulled the trigger.)

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_ii. too late_

_By IceCream Junkie _

She did not know how she reached her room. Everything between the return of SGA-1 and the time the warm water from the shower ran over her shaking body was a blur.

She remembered pieces of the funeral though. Everybody had gathered on the East Pier to pay their last respects to the man who had saved their lives countless times. She had seen Teyla holding onto Ronan's hand, Rodney speaking about being John's colleague and friend and Major Evan Lorne standing in front of the coffin covered with an American flag, honouring his superior one last time. Somehow she had managed to say a few words herself. All the time she had not cried. If she was honest with herself, she had hoped he would just walk into her office every second. But of course he hadn't.

Now, her head leaning against the cold wall of the shower, water running over her body, tears started to run down her cheeks. Elizabeth let herself slide down the wall. Huddled into a corner, she finally mourned for John Sheppard. With him she had lost not only a colleague and her second-in-command but also one of her closest friends. She wrapped her arms tightly around herself while sobs shook her body.

After she wasn't able to shed any more tears, Elizabeth went to bed. But she was not able to sleep. Memories of her time with John kept her awake: John throwing Rodney off the Gate Room balcony. His smile when he handed her his present for her first birthday in the Pegasus Galaxy. The look on his face when he shot Kolya, who tried to drag her through the 'Gate. And the feeling of his presence next to her as they stood on "their" balcony in silence like they had so often.

A faint smile curled her lips. There were just so many memories of John which made her smile. She just had to imagine his unruly hair, the puppy dog look he usually gave her and his smug smile. There was just one thing she regretted: that she had not taken one of the many chances she had had to tell him how she really felt about him. But she had chosen her head over her heart and ignored her feelings for him. Now it was too late. He would never know that she loved him.

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_iii. her pain would heal_

_By Stargatecrazy_

As soon as she felt the salty air hit her face, she broke. The tears came at her in full force and she felt a gut wrenching pain in her stomach. She looked out at the ocean, but with no strength left in her she sank to the floor.

She had no idea how long she'd been out there when the balcony door opened. No one ever came out there. No one except her and John, but he was gone….

"Elizabeth?" God no! It was Kate. Kate Heightmeyer.

Elizabeth sat up straighter but made no effort to speak. She tucked her knees up and rested her forehead on them.

"Elizabeth. You need to talk. This has to be very difficult for you but…."

"Difficult?! _Difficult_?!! God, Kate, John is gone. _Gone_!! How the _hell_ can I live with that?! It was my fault too! If I hadn't sent him on that mission…If I'd deemed it too dangerous…then he'd be here now!" Elizabeth bit back a sob as she started to choke on her words. "I knew there were risks to that mission. Yet….I still let him go….It's my fault…..He can't be gone…..I….He wouldn't be dead…if I'd just……"

"You'll get over it in time Elizabeth. I know that Colonel Sheppard was a great friend but the pain will ease…"

Elizabeth looked at Kate with all the pain and regret in her eyes as she whispered, "I….I loved him Kate. And I never told him."

Kate sighed and said nothing. Elizabeth needed time. It didn't seem like it now but her pain _would_ heal. So without a word, she sat down next to the distraught woman and did nothing.

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_iv. wistful thinking_

_By Hannah 554_

She heard the door of the balcony open behind her and moments later felt his familiar presence. The next thing she knew he was walking up behind her and placing his arms around her waist. She leaned back against him, feeling safe and content in his arms, the way she would always feel. The last few days had been tough on both of them, with one thing after another going wrong, but they had got each other through it.

He was so much a part of her life now that she couldn't imagine not having him in it. She couldn't imagine not being able to see his face everyday, to wake up every morning with him there beside her or to be able to kiss him whenever she wanted to. Granted, they tended to keep public displays of affection to a minimum, but she loved knowing that if she wanted to grab his face and kiss him senseless, she could.

They both stood there in silence just enjoying being in each other's company. They didn't get as many of these moments as they would like to have had; one of them was always busy with something and when they did get some time together something would happen that required their attention. So they intended to enjoy this moment as much as they could whilst they had it.

He shifted slightly behind her, placing a gentle kiss on her head before turning her to face him, never removing his arms from around her waist. She placed her own arms on his chest and her eyes met his, her own feelings mirrored in them. That was the second the radio chose to jump to life, intruding on their moment and calling them back into the control room.

John's smile told her he knew as well as she did that they wouldn't be able to stay out there for long. He leant down and kissed her lightly before resting his forehead against hers. They both knew they had to go but wanted to draw this moment out for as long as possible. She felt a small ache at their having been interrupted again, but she had known going into this relationship that it wasn't going to be an easy one.

John must have sensed her thoughts because he pulled back from her again and looked deep into her eyes, giving her yet another trademark smile that had the instant effect of making her feel much better. He had always been able to do that but now he could be far less subtle about it. He kissed her forehead and took her hand in his before heading toward the door.

It wasn't as though they never got to spend any time together; just not as much as she would like. She could never regret her relationship with him though- in fact, the only thing she regretted was that she had waited as long as she had to confess her feelings for him.

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_v. short-lived regret_

_By Steph 7085  
_  
Elizabeth walked confidently down the corridor, making her way up to her office to pick up her forgotten reports. She was so focused on her own thoughts that she jumped out of her skin when a hand suddenly covered her eyes and an arm snaked around her waist.

"John…" she warned as she futilely tried to escape his strong grip. Unfortunately, all that move got her was a tighter embrace that pulled her back to his chest. Like always, she felt her knees shake at the contact and her heart flutter. Her body always reacted this way to him and the worse part of it all was that he knew it.

"Ssshhh Lizzie," John whispered in her ear. She felt herself being pulled backwards and was about to protest again when she heard the sound of a door hissing shut. She was too distracted by the whispering in her ear earlier to have heard it open. She felt the hand over her eyes slowly move away as the arm around her waist gripped her hip and spun her around so that she came face-to-face with her would-be kidnapper. She could feel him smirk even before she saw it through the dimness of the closet.

"Don't call me Lizzie," she growled playfully. The way he said it made her feel weak all over.

"Nope," he retorted with a grin as he pulled her flush against him with her arms around his neck and his resting on her hips. She opened her mouth to scold him but John was too quick and before she even knew what was happening, his lips were caressing hers, coaxing her into returning it. She never could resist him.

John's hands gently moved over her hips and stealthily made their way up to her jacket zipper, teasingly taking his time to undo the now frustrating piece of clothing. His lips began a journey of their own tenderly, kissing across her cheek before taking an agonisingly slow trail down her throat. The tingling that his perfect lips left behind made her feel as if she was going to melt. Her jacket fell to the floor unnoticed by either of them as their lips met again, more passionate then before…

Noise cut through the pleasantness of her dreams, bringing her crashing back into reality. The relentless buzzing sound chased away the last fleeting images of the best dream she had ever had in her life. She slammed the palm of her hand onto the top of the newly titled 'dream destroyer' and she sighed in relief as the sound disappeared into silence. She regretted ever buying that goddamn alarm clock.

"Lizzie, come back to bed," John moaned tiredly from beside her. He forced her to stop glaring at the offending piece of technology as his hand reached out and grasped hers, tugging it slightly so that she fell beside him. She snuggled up to him and smiled when she felt his breathing even out. The first thing she was going to do when she finally forced herself out of bed was throw the clock off the balcony; for now, she was just going to enjoy the real thing.

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_vi. regretfully kissed_

_By Andie O'Neill_

Elizabeth regretted many things during her time under Phebus' control, like shooting Ronon; that wasn't all that fun. Still, there was one thing she regretted more than almost anything else. Why in God's name did Phebus have to force her to kiss him? Elizabeth once again glanced over at John. He was still playing some game on the Palm Pilot Carson had given him. It was awkward to be sitting so close by, knowing moments ago Phebus had forced her to kiss him. Somehow, Elizabeth got the feeling she'd be apologizing to quite a few people once she was allowed to the leave the infirmary. _'Perhaps I should start with the apologies now.'_

Elizabeth glanced over at John, clearing her throat. "Uh… John?"

John didn't even look at her. "Yeah?"

"I think maybe I owe you an apology for my behavior under Phebus' control…."

John sighed, putting down his game, and finally looking at her. "You're no more responsible than I am for what happened, Elizabeth. It's really not that big a deal."

"But I kissed you," Elizabeth fought.

John smiled at that. "Do you see me complaining?"

"John, it isn't funny!"

"Okay, so we kissed. It wasn't really us. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of… _Believe_ me!"

Elizabeth frowned at the rather amused look he had on his face.

"And what's that supposed to mean?!"

He looked far too pleased with himself.

"I'm just saying you don't have to apologize. It actually wasn't half bad."

Elizabeth groaned, regretting the kiss more and more by each second.

"You're pretty good with your tongue… or was that Phebus?" he teased.

"John… Shut up."

"I'm just saying… you have a gift! I don't think I've ever been kissed quite like that before."

Elizabeth scooted down further in her bed, trying to ignore him.

"In fact, makes me almost regret they WEREN'T a married couple… Could have been very… informative," he kept going. John jumped out of bed and walked over to her, greatly amused. "If you ever have an alien take control of your body again and she's posing as the wife of another alien who needs to take control of a body… I'd be happy to take one for the team!"

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "Oh I'm sure you would!"

"Hey! At least Phebus asked for me and not Rodney! Imagine THAT kiss! She may have been slightly insane and bent on my destruction, but she did know how to pick 'em."

"You know, you're right… If there's anyone in this city I'd rather kill more, I'd say it _would_ have to be you."

"Little ol' me? Somehow I doubt it… At least, not without a nice, long, goodbye kiss," he joked.

Elizabeth sat up, glaring at him. "As immaturely as you're behaving I might just have been happier kissing Rodney."

"Hey, he would have been WAY worse than me if you'd have kissed him. Besides, even you have to admit that kiss wasn't bad."

Elizabeth blushed, finally giving in. "It's not like I saw sparks or anything… But sure, I suppose it wasn't… that bad."

John smiled again as he walked over and sat on his bed, picking up his game once more. "I knew it… You're completely _hot_ for me. Can't say I blame you though…."

"In your dreams," Elizabeth muttered, picking up the pillow from behind her and hurling it at his head. Still, as annoying as John Sheppard could be, she had to admit: perhaps she didn't regret that kiss as much as she'd thought...

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The End

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**Notes:**

**Astrantia: **The title of my part comes from a Sara Teasdale poem, 'Fear.' It has no relevance really to what I wrote. Oh, and a thousand cheers for everyone- This is our first joint fic!  
**IceCream Junkie: **Um... I let him die once again. And no, I'm not sorry. -evil grin- I just can't help myself. I love angsty stories.  
**Stargatecrazy: **Yes…I'm only good at sad death fic….but I'm thinking of incorporating this into a fic where John isn't actually dead….so wait and see….


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